Quite often within various Tom Cruise-centered comment threads, one person will pop up and ask why I find so much delight in making fun of Tom Cruise’s lifts. My answer: It’s not funny per se that Tom Cruise is “short” — but since it makes Tom so angry when people notice his lifts, it becomes quite the hilarious situation. Tom’s height is the only thing (besides Katie Holmes) that he cannot control through the mysterious (fake) powers of Scientology, and this upsets him to such a degree that he feels compelled to have three-inch heels built into every pair of shoes to ever grace his feet.

Unfortunately for Tom, his well-heeled plan has fallen apart after a lengthy tour to promote Oblivion alongside Olga Kurylenko. If you’ll notice, Olga (who, according to the internet, is 5’8″ or so) is towering over Tom (who is allegedly 5’7″) by several inches even though they’re both wearing high heels. She’s even taller than Tom when she’s walking a few steps behind him, and Tom is not happy about the situation at all. As producer, he no doubt chose an actress for this role who would not make him look (gasp!) little, but the plan has backfired because, according to Tom, he believes that he’s shrinking. This is getting good:

Tom Cruise has always been insecure about his 5’7″ stature — and word is, his recent press tour for Oblivion now has him really worried. “Since seeing the photos from the red carpet with Olga Kurylenko, Tom is convinced that he’s lost a quarter of an inch,” a source says. Tom could be right: Studies show that men over 40 shrink by a quarter-inch every decade. Of course, being Tom, he is consulting experts. “He’s not ready to resort to surgery or anything extreme,” says the informant. “But he just wants to be sure he’s taking all the preventative measures.”

[From Star, print edition, May 13, 2013]

Crazy old Tom is so paranoid about his height, and now I’m envisioning him trying out various “home remedies” such as hanging upside down in his bedroom closet like Arnold from “Different Strokes.” He probably even made a call to his favorite Brazilian plastic surgeon to see if anything could possibly be done to remedy the situation. This story is probably true, right?

I realize that it’s perfectly plausible for a tabloid to have been short (heh) on stories for the week until deciding it would be great to shoot at an easy target; that is, Tom’s lifts. However, I think we’ve got some solid evidence for this story being true, albeit on a time delay. Remember, Tom and Olga did many appearances together for Oblivion, but then Tom had some time to analyze the various photos, and by the time the last premiere rolled around on 4/10 in Los Angeles, Tom and Olga did not pose together on the red carpet. Yes, Tom made Olga pose all by herself. Also, look closely at the last few photos that I’ve included — Tom’s hair is huge! That’s at least an extra half an inch of height-altering, hairdresser magic. Just wait, the shorter Tom gets, the bigger his hair will get. In a couple of years, he’ll look like Yahoo Serious.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and WENN

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