This week’s National Enquirer story on Brangelina is actually a really funny read. It’s all about how Brad looks (and most likely smells) really gross, and how Angelina is trying to force Brad into cleaning up and, you know, picking up a razor once in a blue moon. Brad did look very, very scruffy during his appearance at the San Sebastian Film Festival two weeks ago – but at last week’s appearance at the Clinton Global Initiative, he seemed to have a least bathed and trimmed his unruly beard. Whatever… it’s still funny. The crux of the story is that Angelina Jolie has given Brad Pitt a nickname – “Billy Goat Gruff”. What the Enquirer fails to note is that Angelina was actually married to a man named Billy who actually looked, smelled and acted like a horny old goat. Do you think Angelina moans “Billy… Goat” when she’s in bed with Brad?

[Sources] say Angelina is demanding that Brad clean up his image. “Brad originally won Angie over with his sharp-dressed appearance and good grooming,” said a longtime friend of the couple. “But four years and six kids into their relationship, Brad has allowed himself to fall victim to middle-aged schlubbiness.”

“When Angelina saw pictures of Brad at the [San Sebastian Film Festival], she thought he looked hideous… his beard is unkempt now that she can’t even stand kissing him, and she started calling him ‘Billy Goat Gruff’ to shame him into getting rid of it.”

At wit’s end, Angelina has called on Brad’s favorite designer, Tom Ford, to help with a fashion makeover.

“Angie called Tom personally and handpicked thousands of dollars worth of casual and dress-up clothes for Brad,” added the friend. “She’s desperate to get the old, stylish Brad back.”

[From the National Enquirer, print edition, October 12 2009]

Um, Angelina, the problem is not the clothing. Well, I mean, when he dresses down, he looks totally average, and no one thinks he should really be wearing a Tom Ford suit when he’s out gerbil shopping. By the way, I would pay a lot of money to hear a phone conversation between Tom Ford and Angelina. Can you imagine? Anyway, the problem is Brad’s crazy hobo vibe. Here’s the weird thing – I actually prefer the unkempt facial hair mess to that ugly mustache he wore for Inglourious Basterds. Ugh.

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